I’ve seen it written somewhere recently, “what will you do with your one and only life?” Considering some might believe in reincarnation, I suppose this question isn’t as pressing. But there are consequences for living in that belief system, too. I guess, to be fair, it is still stirring to think, “what will you do with this life?”
I recently started yet another graduate program. This time I’m studying library science. I think I’d like to be an archivist. I’d like to wear white gloves, goggles, and handle ancient manuscripts, but, admittedly, I just feel pressured at this point to be working towards a definitive career. Needless to say, it is sucking the life out of me.
This is not to say that I couldn’t be perfectly happy working as an archivist or even in a more traditional library setting. There is comfort in knowing there’s a clear end result of this program, quite different than my other MA degrees, which turned out to be labors of love and student loans.
I’m staring at the topic for this week (already week 5!), and I can’t bring myself to read the lecture notes or slides or articles and I’m just staring at the words “Intellectual Freedom” and finding it ironic. Why you ask? I’ve been working towards, well, I don’t know what, for the past 8 or 9 years now in higher education, waiting for the moment when I could finally have the freedom to read and write what I want. Isn’t that intellectual freedom? Not quite, if you ask my colleagues in library and information science. Regardless, I feel like I just threw my intellectual freedom away. Again.
I defend my thesis for my other MA in two weeks. Wait, what? Yes, I am that insane to overlap master’s degrees. I would never recommend this even to someone with higher mental faculties than my own or with better time management skills. Then again, someone smarter than me would probably never make such a decision in the first place. Anyway, I just mailed three copies of that monstrosity that has taken up nearly three years of my life, and instead of feeling relieved, I feel disappointed with where I am at. I’m back at the drawing board.
In light of my pity party, I decided to blow off my schoolwork for another day and keep up with the Kardashians instead. You might say I wasted about 5 hours of my life, but what I needed in this case wasn’t just intellectual freedom, but a full-on intellectual time-out.
I think I’ve arrived at the point in my life where I’m struggling to be responsible and level headed and, well, me. I’m aware more than ever how my decisions affect other people and I don’t want to let anyone down. I’ve come to a point now where there are very big decisions to make and I find myself waking up suddenly during the night in a state of panic wondering how to be true to myself and not disappoint people in the process. (Yes, you, Mom and Dad.)
Can I make it through one more degree, just one more year of grad school? Or do I drop out and write the novel that’s been floating around in my head, becoming more and more developed every day, even when I don’t realize I’m thinking about it, dreaming up plot and having these characters walking around in my brain, begging to come to life?
Do I want to commit to a relationship again, knowing that the last one nearly killed me? Do I want to love someone and risk not getting that love back in the way I know I deserve?
Essentially, would I rather be working for a paycheck or waiting to win the lottery? I don’t mean literally. I don’t usually play the lottery. I can be happy alone, but maybe loving someone again will enrich my life in ways I forgot were even possible for me. I can make it through one more year and always have this degree to fall back on, but what if writing this novel turns out to be the best experience of my life and I let it fade from my head without ever reaching paper…
I think we all crave the intellectual freedom that let’s us sort through our options in life. If we’re lucky, these options might be myriad like mine are. I know I’m lucky to get to choose. But when does having too many options, too much freedom of thought and intellect start to feel like a burden? Lately, I’d have to say that happens to me almost every day. And I feel guilty for this.
Maybe if we just thought of decision making in terms of what will make us happiest and not what’s the best financial plan when it comes to a career or the safest bet when we contemplate giving our hearts away, these choices would be easier. That seems like being truer to myself. If I do in fact have this one and only life, I think I should be more willing to compromise certainty–for that is only a myth, anyway–and take some chances. I probably will finish this third master’s degree. But I will also start working on this novel. I will let myself love again when the time comes and be okay knowing it might not work out because I know somewhere inside me that it is worth it no matter what.
Intellectual freedom, as I’ve used the term, may in fact be a blessing or a curse. Quite the conundrum. Funny part is, you get to decide which one it’s going to be for you. I choose the former. I believe that the head and the heart balance each other out. And so in this one and only life of mine, I will lead with my heart and follow up with my head. I’d rather live with passion than intellect. I guess what it comes down to is the fact that I know I’ve had enough theory; I am ready to move on to practice.